My Dad

My dad came into town a couple months ago to take my car. He sent an email about a week before saying that he was going take it back. The email was rather cold and distant. There was no greeting. He didn't even refer to himself as "Dad". It was signed "Jim".

I cleaned out the car and made arrangements for him to pick it up. He showed up with his best friend who has known me since I was born. As soon as I handed my dad the keys to my graduation gift he handed them over to his friend, the new owner.

Seeing my dad was hard beyond the reason why he was there. He has lost a lot of weight. When he came to my high school graduation he was definitely thinner than the last time I saw him. By that point he had had two heart attacks and a triple bypass. He was already diagnosed diabetic. I saw him about a year and a half later. He seemed to be about the same. I met his girlfriend which was difficult. He came to visit me almost two years ago. He was obviously thinner and looked a little less healthy. We spent a week together talking, eating, laughing, learning. It was difficult but I was glad to have more good (actually I was at a point where I would even settle for neutral) memories to keep. The trip this spring made me realise that my dad is dying.

I always thought that it would be easier not having my dad around. At least I would know why I didn't get a call on Christmas or a card on my birthday. He wouldn't be able to call me, yell, and then hang up on me. My life would be at least a little bit more consistent. I thought my life would suddenly be easier to deal with.

I was wrong.

I never thought this would be so hard. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with everything, thinking everything through, talking everything out. I feel like I'm against a deadline, one that I can't know, and am playing alone for both teams. I feel caught. I don't want to filter out the bad memories and only remember the good times but twenty years down the road I want to be able to remember the good memories of times my dad and I spent together. I refuse to allow the negativity of some of the memories to be what I carry through life with me; I vow to remember the happy ones.

I already miss him.